feeling punky…

suze hartline2 Comments

One of the health issues I have been dealing with is some dental work.

After being homeless for a while and having no money for dental visits I was left with some dental problems…these were exacerbated by pregnancies and a lack of insurance.

Then I married George who was active duty Army, and Champus picked up the bills. That was wonderful….except…dependents used to have a medical system whereby we were to call for an appointment on a specific day of the week between specific hours…if we were not able to get through then we had to wait a month to try again.

Sometimes it took a few months, and sometimes it took much much longer to get an appointment to be seen. I went three years while trying to get a dental appointment before George was sent PCS and the rigamarole began all over again at a new duty station.

The upshot of it was that I did eventually receive dental treatment BUT……..it was usually root canals without dental caps. (Champus didn’t cover caps) Now they lasted a few years but eventually all began breaking down.

I finally found a dentist here in town that actually takes Medicare, and accepts my particular advantage plan so I once again have been able to receive treatment.

Except, due to the breakdown of numerous teeth, all of my upper teeth have to be removed and I need a full upper plate (good old fake teeth).

I began by having two molars removed last week…and four teeth removed yesterday. I also had stitches placed to assist the healing of my jaw. Next week I will have the final three teeth removed, and the next week will be “fitted” for a plate.

I looked at my jaw last night and shuddered at what it looks like right now. I never realized just how emotionally attached I was to my teeth until I saw myself without them. Actually, my “looks” isn’t the worst thing I am feeling about all of this. It’s being hungry again.

It’s been nearly 40 years since I have been feeling deep hunger pangs, and then I was homeless. I HATE the nightmares that have returned with the feelings of abandonment and fear. I thought it was all far behind me, but having teeth removed has brought it all back.

In the meantime, I am going through two days each week without being able to actually EAT much of anything and feeling (extremely) sore for five days post removal. That leaves ONE day of feeling semi-normal before it begins all over again.

I will be so glad when it is all over. I realize in the whole sphere of things that could be annoying to me, teeth are pretty low on my personal register…but I am so tired of puddings, jello and ultimately soup while going through this. (Did I mention I HATE jello, and pudding is a close second to foods I cannot stand?)

I am SO looking forward to, by Thanksgiving, being able to once again eat real food.

I suppose…

suze hartline2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What’s the trait you value most about yourself?
View all responses

it is stubbornness. Or it could be resilience…or simply a survival instinct run amok.

Whatever one chooses to call it, I have an innate feeling of “If I wake up still breathing, I will make it through this…” whatever “this” may be.

Abusive childhood? check

Abusive spouse? Yep (first one) Never George…he was my miracle gift of a husband.

Being told there was no point in attending college as 1. I was too stupid 2. It was a waste of money 3. I’d just get married and never use my degree.

Taking over ten years to earn my degrees? while married and being a mother AND working full time in my area of study. Yep, did it.

being homeless? yep…took three years to work out of that to having a home.

Heart attacks? got through them while actually dying the first time.

Stroke? yea…got through that too.

Losing the love of my life? It’s been a year so I suppose I am surviving that horrible event.

The Cancer hasn’t killed me yet though I do find myself slowing down a bit.

Yea, I am pretty sure it is my stubborn attitude of no one can tell me what to do and I will succeed without any help, so screw anyone telling me “NO, you can’t”…..oh YES I CAN. Just watch me.

what cultural heritage?

suze hartline7 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?
View all responses

I’m an American…I am also a Mutt. Like most Americans I do not have ONE culture, I have genetically MANY cultures.

Which do I think of as the predominant one?

None of them.

I am Southern, Eastern, Northern and Western; I am White, Black, Native………….

I am “proud” of None of them. To feel pride one above another is reprehensible to me, for which part should I eschew? Is my Native part less than any other part? Not to me. Is my Northern part worse than my Southern part? Which parts do I dislike so I can feel that so called Cultural Pride?

What part am I interested in? They are all a part of me, so why should I have any interest in one over the other?

I apologize in advance if I annoy someone with this response, but I see this question as dividing us instead of bringing us together. I see this question as being damned close to racist, and over the top in insulting.

it was serendipitous

suze hartline3 Comments

Marilyn’s SYW post was a really great read for me this morning. Don’t know Marilyn? She’s over at Serendipity Seeking Intelligent Life on Earth, and it is a lovely blog

I’ve been following her for donkey’s years and always come away from her place in the bloggosphere just feeling better about life.

Marilyn asked some questions in her last post and I simply wanted to answer them….I like sharing with her…so here we go.

Marilyn’s questions:

  1. Did you ever own a black and white TV?
  2. Do you watch black and white movies?
  3. Do you know what a dial tone is?
  4. Did you really believe in better families mom cleaned the house wearing high-heeled shoes? Seriously?
  5. Did you ask your mother why she didn’t wear high-heels and did she whack you with a tea towel?
  6. Did you date your brother’s friends?
  7. Or your sister’s friends?
  8. Did you date at all? Why?
  9. Do you remember anybody you dated?
  10. Would you ever consider dating again? Are you sure? Are you really really sure?

here ya go Marilyn………...my answers.

  1. (and 2) Our first family TV was a HUGE console TV with a 14 inch screen, oval in shape inserted into a gorgeous redwood cabinet. It had two dials on the face…one for sound and one to turn it on and scroll to a channel. It was one of the first built by RCA and yes, it was black and white. You had to open the cabinet doors underneath the screen so you could hear the speakers. I remember the screen suddenly blacked out while watching The Honeymooners, and Dad turned it off, unplugged it, unscrewed the back of the cabinet and replaced a long glass tube. He put it all back together again, turned it on and we finished watching the show. Great timing for us as the live commercials had just begun.
  2. It was one of the first built by RCA and yes, it was black and white.
  3. Why yes…it is the horrid sound one hears when picking up the receiver on a telephone, either desk style or hanging, prior to dialing a number and placing a call. If when picking up the receiver, and if one is on a party line, there is no dial tone until you press on the button under the receiver several times quickly to let anyone using the party line that you need to place a call.
  4. My mother never cleaned the house, wearing heels or otherwise. Oh, she had high heels…at least 25 pair of them. She hired a “cleaning woman” to do it for her. She also had the cleaning woman teach ME how to clean everything, do laundry and cook. Mother worked for the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology and did not “clean houses”. She had a “career” and wasn’t stooping to do something menial. That became my job at age ten.
  5. not a tea towel. When I got whacked, and it was often, it was with a metal yard stick. Or I was backhanded. Or I was once thrown down the stairs. but she never hit me with something soft.
  6. I never dated my brothers friends…
  7. Or my sister’s friends (she was ten years younger than I…..EUUUUUUUUU
  8. I wasn’t allowed to single date until I was 18. I could group date at 16, but only if my brother came along. (therefore I didn’t date). I did go to my senior prom with George, but it practically took a Congressional act to allow me to do so.
  9. I date my husband, and for a while George’s best friend.
  10. Dating now? after 70? after having a marriage with George? NO. There will be never be anyone who could meet the standard of George, so why bother trying?

Marilyn………thanks for the questions.

oh come on now……….

suze hartline7 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What brands do you associate with?
View all responses

That question is an English Comp professor’s nightmare…….and it annoys the heck out of me. Without bothering to correct it to something that is actually asking the question you are attempting to ask, I shall attempt to answer.

Probably.

Maybe.

Or maybe not. What brands do I purchase? or what brands do I have knowledge of or wish to have? What brands can I only gaze upon and wish for in a different life or lifestyle?

Seriously WP??????

NO. Just NO. I recognize an attempt to stick far more irritating ads upon my blog. What a stupid way to go about your business though, mindlessly (it is AI ya know) asking questions as a means of advertising. I refuse to assist you.

Instead…………..

I had the first of four dental visits last Thursday. Two teeth pulled and was to have a third done, but I had been given the max dosage of the anesthetic so only two were done. It took two days for me to heal enough to eat anything besides jello…(I HATE JELLO) and only four more days to heal enough to go back to the dentist again. My visits are every Thursday for four weeks in a row. Each week at least three teeth will be yanked out of my jaw….and I am SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS. (that was extreme sarcasm for those who don’t know)

At the end of all this nonsense, an upper “plate” will be created so I once again will have some teeth.

I figure before it is all over and done I will have lost another twelve pounds of weight.

The only “good news” in all of this is that I won’t go through another year of antibiotics for jaw infection and I will have lost a significant amount of weight over the past year…which has brought my blood sugar under control, made my hypertension meds unnecessary, and my angina reduced to bearable.

Hopefully next month it will all be behind me and I will want to smile again.

Share your world, September 23, 2024

suze hartline4 Comments

Thanks Di, of Pensitivity101 for hosting this weekly challenge.

Check out Di’s post at the above link for the “rules”, directions on pingbacks and the questions.

Di’s Questions:

1.  Do you prefer to sit in an armchair or curl up on a couch in the evening?
2.  What was the last book you read?
3.  What snacks do you enjoy?
4.  Do you prefer vegetables over fruit?

My Answers:

  1. I prefer to sit in an armchair, specifically the one I bought to create a reading nook in my bedroom. It’s a very pretty turquoise, navy Chinese floral print on a white background. And it is super comfy…I can sit it in for hours without any back or leg pain.
  2. The Book of Doors by Gareth Brown. It’s a lovely fantasy story that kept me enthralled until around 3 am……..when I finished it. Pretty sure I began reading it around 2 pm the day before. I totally forgot about dinner.
  3. Snacks? I can barely manage to remember to eat a meal anymore, much less a snack. When I did eat them though I loved fresh figs, a peach cut into slices or an apple with some strong cheddar.
  4. I like most veg, and I like most fruit. To me they are one and the same…and can be substituted for either with a meal or as that ubiquitous snack.

Gratitude:

I’m still breathing, and that’s the best I’ve got for this part. It’ll be better a few days from now.

the first year

suze hartline9 Comments

It’s officially one year since my life changed. One year since I’ve heard my husband’s voice.

One year since I have felt like there was a purpose to my life…a purpose that made me a better person.

Over the past year I have survived the extreme grief of this loss…it has never gone away, but intense pain has dissipated…it is no longer an “every second” thing and become more of a “daily” thing instead.

I have carried on and done the things that were absolutely required after George died…taken care of property name changes, insurance, taxes, notifications et al.

I have felt as if I were going mad, forgetting simple things like eating or washing up. Forgetting the mail in the outside box, forgetting to shower or go to the grocery.

Most days I can get through with little emotional upsets, at least on the outside where people can see it.

I can (mostly) do my chores without taking a week to do them. I can fix a meal and eat it again…I can go to the store or pay a bill without falling apart.

But, I still don’t WANT to do so. It’s a daily struggle to be the adult in my home (and yes, I do realize I am the only one living here).

If i had my way I would crawl into bed and simply cry every minute of the day until I died. At least I would be with my George then.

But, I don’t. I pretend to be an adult and just carry on.

It’s been a year and I really thought if I made it this far I would feel better…more like me…less pain and loneliness.

Maybe if I make it one more year I will feel better…more like me with less pain…less loneliness. Just one more year.

do you mean Holidays or Holy Days?

suze hartline1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
How do you celebrate holidays?
View all responses

Or are they the same thing for you?

They aren’t for me. Holidays are “celebrated” by the masses with multiple gifts no one needs or wants and far too much rich food. They are denoted by the family arguments are a dinner table, hurt feelings and too many left-overs to fit into one family refrigerator.

Holy days on the other hand are spiritual and personal. They are usually not shared with anyone except whomever your personal “God” is.

I do neither.

clearing cobwebs

suze hartline9 Comments

I woke this morning with some energy……..so I decided to actually look around to see what needed deep cleaning in the cottage.

Turns out the whole thing could use a good scrub.

Snoopy was outside barking at whatever dogs bark at so I thought I could get started with no interruptions.

I noticed a few cobwebs in the corners of rooms, so set about with the broom sweeping them away.

Still energetic afterwards, I began to clear the kitchen cupboard of outdated canned goods…then out dated home canned pickles and jams…and ended up with twelve jars to empty and wash.

I came across the jars of watermelon pickles I had canned for George several years back….and his pickle relish…and his grape jelly.

Before I was through pulling all these jars off their shelves I realized I was crying.

And suddenly I had zero energy.

I hade zero desire to finish what I had begun.

I only wanted to throw myself onto the bed and cry my heart out.

And Snoopy bounced into the room, barking madly and leaping about like a jackrabbit……begging me to come see whatever was driving him crazy in the backyard.

I wiped my face and followed him outside.

He was barking at this.

And my little crying jag was over.

Share Your World, September 16, 2024

suze hartline3 Comments

Di, of Pensiyivity101 hosts the SYW challenge each Monday.

To join in and find the rules, visit her page here.

Di’s Questions

 1.Do you believe in Love at First Sight?
2.  How did you meet your partner? (I know I have asked this before)
Alternative question for my single readers:
Do you live alone or do you have a pet for company?
3.  How long have you been a couple?
Alternative question: how old is your pet?
4.  Did you marry in a church or other religious place, or somewhere else?
Alternative question: have you had more than one pet at a time?

My Responses:

Ya know, I am probably going to answer all the questions….I am wierd that way.

  1. No, I really do not believe in love at first sight. I think it is more than likely lust at first sight. Love, to me anyway, takes time and a lot of communication/experiences together. That “at first sight” stuff sure sounds great, but in all my years, and with all the people I have known, it has never been said it was something anyone experienced.
  2. I met George in a fourth grade class. MY fourth grade class to be exact. We were great friends all through school and beyond. I lived alone, except for a dog and cat after George died last year. Then my Gunnar died too and I was left with just the idiot cat. Now I once again have a little dog, Snoopy, as a companion. As much as I like cats, no one could describe Pye as a companion….he is, instead, an obnoxious furball that wants forty meals a day.
  3. George and I were a “couple” for more than 60 years. Pyewacket is 12 years old, and Snoopy is probably about six. I really do not have a clue how old he is.
  4. George and I were married in St Mark’s Lutheran Church in Springfield, Virginia. It was his family’s church. And it was a military wedding, complete with my rear end getting smacked with his best man’s sword. We’ve had multiple pets over the years. I won’t count the twenty or so feral cats that George fed off our front porch back in Texas as pets though. He did catch them, get them “fixed” and release them, and he fed them every day…but they weren’t pets by any means.

Gratitude

It sounds ridiculous, but I am grateful that I found a dentist who takes medicare…as I have multiple teeth that need pulling and a plate to replace them…and the first three teeth are to be pulled on Thursday. I will be glad for a lessening of pain that I have been dealing with for several years.